Social predators capture hearts via an insidious process known as trauma bonding…
…in which the predator develops an intimate psychological bond with its prey.
This bond is formed through a cycle of alternating abuse and affection, leaving the victim feeling trapped and unable to break free. It goes beyond the typical dynamics of a toxic relationship and is characterized by a deep loyalty to someone destructive. This bond can develop in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, parent-child relationships, and even cult dynamics. In this post, we will explore the sneaking nature of trauma bonding and its stages and provide actionable steps to break free from its grip.
The Destructive Nature of Trauma Bonds
Trauma bonds make victims dependent upon an abusive relationship for validation and a sense of wholeness. Abusers employ a variety of stresses and rewards to make victims believe that they need their presence and approval to feel complete. Out of desperation, victims set aside the destructive phases and become fixated on the positive interactions, even if they occur sporadically. The resulting ‘trauma bond’ distorts the victim’s perception of love, making it challenging to break free from the abusive cycle.
The Power of Trauma Bonding
Trauma Bonding Versus Love
Trauma bonding often stems from a mistaken belief that the intense craving for positive feelings within the cycle of abuse equates to love. The trauma-bonded victim mistakes the abuser’s false promises and occasional displays of affection for the real thing. The semi-regular interruptions of positive attachment prevent the victim from noticing the ever-increasing abuse. And so, they fall prey to a cycle of up-and-down, desperately seeking the relationship’s oxytocin release and positive phases.
The Role of Neurotransmitters and Hormones in Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonds are strengthened by our body’s participation in good and bad emotions. When we experience pleasure from an abusive partner, our brains release various chemicals, including dopamine and oxytocin. Oxytocin, in particular, plays a significant role in one-on-one bonding and can lead to emotional dysregulation, anxiety, and addiction. The release of these neurotransmitters creates a physical addiction to the abusive relationship, as victims crave the euphoria experienced during the early stages of the trauma bond. Ironically, we can also become dependent upon the hormones that accompany stress and longing. To name but a few, our body/mind connection can hook us on cortisol and testosterone. These naturally occurring chemical addictions drive us to excuse and hide the abuse, preventing us from seeking help or leaving the relationship.
The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding unfolds in a series of seven distinct stages, characterized by intermittently positive and negative behaviors from the abuser. These stages, although not universally experienced in the same order or intensity, provide insight into the gradual erosion of self and the entrapment that occurs within a trauma bond. Recognizing these stages in your relationship will help you break free from a trauma bond and reclaim your autonomy and well-being.
Stage 1: Love Bombing
The initial stage of trauma bonding is known as love bombing. During this phase, the abuser showers the victim with attention, affection, and flattery, filling a void within the victim’s life. They may progress the relationship rapidly, proclaiming the victim as their soulmate or expressing a desire for a lifelong commitment. The victim is entranced by the excessive displays of love and positive reinforcement, believing they have finally found true love and acceptance. Be on guard against anybody who is too much, too fast, and too good to be true.
Stage 2: Developing Trust and Dependence
Following the love bombing phase, the abuser seeks to solidify the victim’s trust and dependence. They may make promises of a future together, such as moving in or getting married. Or, in a bit of reverse psychology, the abuser provokes the victim into questioning the abuser’s intentions, only to play mistreated. By engendering guilt and doubt, the abuser reinforces their control and encourages the victim to rely solely on them for validation and emotional support. The victim’s longing for love and attachment intensifies, setting the stage for addiction to the relationship.
Stage 3: Criticism
As the relationship progresses, the abuser transitions into a phase of criticism, where no matter what the victim does, it is never enough. They may belittle the victim’s qualities, blame them for problems in the relationship, or undermine their self-esteem. This sudden shift in treatment catches the victim off guard, leading them to internalize the blame and seek reconciliation by repeatedly apologizing, hoping to regain the positive phase of the cycle. The victim’s desperate desire for love and acceptance outweighs the significance of the abusive behavior, further reinforcing the trauma bond.
Stage 4: Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when the abuser makes the victim doubt their own perception. Memory is impugned; events are staged or purported, contradicting the victim’s beliefs and feelings on vital matters; important items go mysteriously missing, only to turn up later with a mental lapse implication; and so on. When the victim begins to buckle under the pressure, the abuser plays the role of a sympathizer, expressing concern for the victim’s emotional well-being. This fake attention satisfies the victim’s need for reassurance and understanding, leading them to mistake it for affection.
Stage 5: Resigning to Control
Overwhelmed and increasingly uncertain of their sanity, the victim enters a stage of resignation, where they begin to surrender to the abuser’s control. The victim hurries to satisfy, going to great lengths to avoid further conflicts. Despite a growing sense of confusion, the victim remains committed to the relationship, believing that their efforts to please are the key to a better future.
Stage 6: Loss of Self
In this stage, the trauma bond reaches its peak as the victim loses him or herself. They relinquish their boundaries and internalize the abuser’s perceptions, eroding their self-worth. This loss of self leads to isolation and a heightened dependence on the abusive partner. The victim experiences intense shame, loneliness, depression, and anxiety and may contemplate suicide. Breaking free from the trauma bond at this stage may seem impossible, as the relationship becomes the victim’s only source of emotional attachment.
Stage 7: Addiction to the Cycle
The final stage of trauma bonding is marked by addiction to the cycle of abuse. The victim becomes fixated on resuming the positive phases of the cycle, often referred to as the “honeymoon” phase. The abuser capitalizes on this addiction by withholding affection and attachment, increasing the victim’s desperation to regain the earlier stages. The victim accepts even the smallest acts of kindness, restarting the cycle and perpetuating the trauma bond. The biochemical addiction, coupled with the victim’s intense longing for a secure attachment, makes it incredibly challenging to break free from the grip of the trauma bond.
Strategies for Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds
Overcoming a trauma bond requires a multi-faceted approach that combines education, self-reflection, and professional support. While breaking free from the grip of a trauma bond is an arduous journey, it is not impossible. The following strategies can help individuals regain their autonomy and rebuild their lives:
1. Educate Yourself
Start by educating yourself about trauma bonds, childhood attachment disorders, and hidden emotional abuse. The more knowledge and understanding you gain, the clearer your perception of the trauma bond and its impact on your life will become.
2. Step Back and Gain Perspective
Pause and evaluate your relationship objectively. This moment of reflection allows you to step back from solely focusing on yourself and understand the reality of the abusive dynamics at play. Consider seeking professional guidance during this phase to gain clarity and insight.
3. Itemize and Specify
Examine the toxic behaviors present in your relationship and recognize them for what they are: abuse. Identify the specific patterns of destructive behavior employed by your abuser that contribute to harm, confusion, and a lack of self-love. Journaling can be a helpful tool for documenting and analyzing each conflict, enabling you to see the patterns more clearly.
4. Get to Know Yourself
While navigating the trauma bond, pay close attention to your emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. Acknowledge how the relationship makes you feel and its impact on your well-being. Develop self-awareness to counteract gaslighting and manipulative tactics.
5. Going ‘No Contact’ is Best, but Give Yourself However Much Time You Need
Breaking free from a trauma bond is a gradual process. Taking small steps towards reclaiming yourself is crucial. Be patient and allow yourself time to heal at a pace that feels comfortable for you.
6. Seek Professional Help
Consider seeking therapy from a mental health professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and attachment issues. A therapist can provide guidance, support, and tools to help you navigate the complexities of trauma bonding and initiate the healing process.
7. Find Support
Surround yourself with friends, family, or fellow survivors who understand and validate your experiences. Joining support groups or online communities of individuals with similar experiences can help restore your confidence in life; you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and your situation can be overcome. The following communities can offer a safe space to express your emotions without judgment:
https://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php
https://fortrefuge.com/forums/index.php
https://aftermath-surviving-psychopathy.org/forum/
https://facebook.com/groups/domesticshelterscommunity/
https://bpdfamily.com/content/membership
(This last site is for family, friends, and associates of those exhibiting traits of borderline personality disorder but can include other personality disorders. It states upfront that it’s ‘not a victims community or emotional-free-for-all.’ And yet, I think the BPDFamily.com message boards can be approached within the membership guidelines and still help victims of social predators. Must be 18 or older.)
8. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Practice self-compassion, acknowledging that healing takes time and effort; breaking free from a trauma bond is not a linear journey, and setbacks may occur. Prioritize self-care and celebrate small victories along the way. Engage in positive self-talk and remember that you are not a failure but on a path toward reclaiming your life and well-being.
9. Seek Healing from Early Childhood Trauma
Addressing unresolved childhood trauma is crucial for breaking free from the trauma bond. Many of us fall prey to trauma bonds because of dysfunctional patterns learned in our formative years. Work with a specialist who can help you identify and reframe coping mechanisms and attachment patterns that contribute to unhealthy relationship cycles.
10. Embrace the Grieving Process
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the pain inflicted upon you. Recognize that grieving is an essential step towards healing and reclaiming your identity. Embrace the emotions that arise and seek support from therapists, support groups, or loved ones during this process.
11. STAY SAFE While Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds
If you are in immediate danger, experiencing ongoing abuse, or leaving an abusive relationship, PLEASE SEE my post: Stay Safe When Leaving an abusive relationship; it could save your life. In particular, see these resources: thehotline.org, create your personal safety plan, creating a safety plan, and find a shelter program near you. These organizations can provide guidance, resources, and support to ensure your safety.
I’ve Been There
As a former bad guy, myself, and then a longtime victim of an even worse predator, I can assure you that trauma bonds come in many different packages. For a wild and painfully frank look at the inside world of deviant bonding, see my Memoir of a Repentant Psychopath, available on Amazon. It’s fictionalized, but you will get the point that breaking free from a trauma bond sometimes requires a life upheaval of epic proportions.
NONETHELESS: by understanding the stages of trauma bonding, seeking education, and surrounding yourself with a supportive network, you can reclaim your autonomy and heal from the wounds inflicted by an abusive relationship. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and if you’d like to share your story or need encouragement, contact me at RobertRedAct@protomail.com.
Until we meet again, there is hope for a brighter future beyond the grip of the predator’s trauma bond!
Robert Red Act