In today’s post, I’ll restate principles from professors Robert Hare and Martha Stout and personal protection expert Gavin de Becker.
I can’t say it enough: the quality of your life—or even life itself—depends on recognizing and protecting yourself from social predators.
These individuals have less-than-zero conscience and will stop at nothing to impose their will upon you. By understanding the warning signs and taking proactive steps, you can safeguard yourself from falling victim to them…maybe.
Understanding the Traits of a Social Predator
I say “maybe” because social predators are highly skilled at concealing their true nature and presenting a charming facade. Practicing lies and manipulation for their entire lives makes them good at it. Nevertheless, they possess traits that set them apart from the average person, and recognizing these characteristics is the first step in protecting yourself. Here are some key traits commonly associated with social predators:
Lack of Conscience
Apex predators feel no guilt, shame, or remorse for their actions. They are driven solely by their own desires and have no regard for the well-being of others. Although they’re good at faking it, you can catch them in slip-ups if you stay alert. For example, I once felt bad for a young woman crying for something she’d done to me. I mean, she was really going at it. I was convinced of her shame and remorse, almost in tears myself as part of a sympathetic reaction…until I glanced over my shoulder on my way out of the room. With her face no longer buried in a pillow, I saw that she was dry-eyed and smiling.
Charm Superficial
They possess a natural charisma that makes them highly engaging and captivating. They can be witty, entertaining, and appear more interesting than those around them. This one is hard to guard against, but if someone seems too good to be true, they just may be.
Impulsivity and Thrill-Seeking
Social predators have a constant need for excitement and stimulation. They may engage in risky behaviors or exhibit impulsive tendencies, always seeking the next adrenaline rush. Dangerous, impulsive behavior is easier to spot than some other traits listed here, but is most telling when they insist you participate.
Manipulation and Deceit
They are skilled manipulators who use charm, flattery, and deceit to achieve their goals. They may lie, exaggerate, or withhold information to gain the upper hand. I’m paraphrasing, but Martha Stout recommends fleeing after catching someone in three significant lies.
Lack of Empathy
Social predators have a limited ability to understand or relate to the emotions of others. They lack empathy and are indifferent to the pain or suffering they cause. Once again, they fake it well, but you may catch startling inconsistencies if you remain vigilant. Quite accidentally, I’ve discovered that inducing rage in a predator brings out the truth. I don’t recommend pissing them off, but I’ve seen their disguise drop when they’re so mad they can’t see straight.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Social predators have an inflated sense of self-worth and believe they are superior to others. They may exhibit entitlement and a disregard for rules or societal norms.
Identifying Warning Signs of a Social Predator
Recognizing the warning signs of a social predator is crucial for protecting yourself from their manipulative tactics. While their behavior may initially seem appealing, paying attention to your instincts and examining their actions can help you identify potential red flags. Here are seven warning signs that Gavin de Becker explains in The Gift of Fear:
Forced Teaming
Social predators often use forced teaming to create a false sense of camaraderie. They may imply that you are working towards a common goal or that your problems are shared. Be wary of individuals who try to forge a personal connection that doesn’t truly exist.
Excessive Charm
Beware of individuals who shower you with excessive compliments and flattery. While genuine compliments are nice, over-the-top charm is often a manipulation tactic to gain your trust and control.
Providing Too Many Details
Social predators may go to great lengths to provide unnecessary, elaborate details to support their claims. This can be a sign of deception, as they attempt to convince you of their trustworthiness through intricate explanations.
Demanding Proof
If someone constantly demands that you prove yourself or questions your loyalty, it can indicate their need for control and manipulation. Healthy relationships are built on trust, not constant validation and verification.
Creating a Sense of Debt
Social predators often create a sense of indebtedness by offering help or gifts, only to later use it as leverage to manipulate you. Be cautious of individuals who expect something in return for their kindness or generosity.
Unsolicited Promises
When someone makes unsolicited promises, especially trying to convince you that they are trustworthy, it’s essential to question their motives. Genuine trust is built over time through consistent actions, not empty promises.
Disregarding the Word No
A clear disregard for boundaries and an inability to accept rejection is a major warning sign of a social predator. If someone consistently ignores your boundaries and pressures you to comply with their wishes, it’s time to distance yourself from them.
Protecting Yourself from Social Predators
Now that you have a better understanding of the traits and warning signs of social predators, it’s essential to take proactive steps to protect yourself. Here are some strategies to keep in mind:
Trust Your Instincts
Your gut feelings are valuable and should not be ignored. If something feels off or doesn’t sit right with you, listen to that inner voice. Trusting your instincts can help you avoid potentially harmful situations.
Set Firm Ground Rules
Establish clear limits in your relationships and be assertive in enforcing them. Do not compromise your values or comfort for the sake of others. Social predators thrive on exploiting those who lack strong boundaries.
Question Authority
Do not blindly follow or submit to authority figures without questioning their actions or motives. Social predators often exploit positions of power, so it’s crucial to remain skeptical and critically evaluate their behavior.
Practice Self-Care
Taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically is crucial in protecting yourself from social predators. Prioritize self-care activities that promote your well-being and build resilience against manipulative tactics. And whatever you do, don’t become dependent on drugs or alcohol. I’ve been there and done that, and I think we all have the right to kill ourselves, but please, think of others. I wish I would have.
Seek Support
If you suspect you are dealing with a social predator, reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance and support. Having a support system can help validate your experiences and provide valuable insights.
Cut Off Contact
If you have identified a social predator in your life, the best course of action is to sever all ties and cut off contact. Social predators thrive on manipulation and control, so removing yourself from their influence is vital for your safety and well-being.
Educate Yourself
Continue to educate yourself about social predators and their tactics. By increasing your knowledge and awareness, you become better equipped to recognize and protect yourself from their manipulative behavior.
Why am I telling you this stuff?
Because I know what it feels like to get used by a social predator, and I want to help you avoid it or recover. My special qualification is that I was a social predator until a superior psychopath lined me out. I’ve fictionalized my decades-long ordeal in Memoir of a Repentant Psychopath ,available on Amazon. The back cover of my book explains:
In the wake of the psychopath, we are wounded in love, stripped of financial resources, framed for crimes, and worse. “I know from experience, for I have been both predator and prey. Not exactly a Hannibal or Dahmer, though; brutality and deception didn’t come naturally. My pesky conscience flipped itself back on from time to time. So, there was some hope for me to get over my destructive attitude. I had become a ‘secondary’ or ‘developmental’ psychopath, as opposed to the pure psychopath for whom conscience will never appear. Join my thoughts and witness the spectacle as I’m viciously undone by one of the pure in Memoir of a Repentant Psychopath.”
Memoir of a Repentant Psychopath – back cover
Recognizing and protecting yourself from social predators is crucial to your continuing well-being. By understanding their traits, identifying warning signs, and taking proactive steps, you can safeguard against their manipulative tactics and their straight-up attacks. Trust your instincts, limit the crap you’ll take off anyone, and seek support when needed. And remember, I’m not just whistling Dixie here; I’ve been both predator and prey, so I know you’ve got to watch out for the unscrupulous.
Send me your stories, if you will, please, to RobertRedAct@protonmail.com. I can commiserate if you’re in a jam with a predatory type. Or, you might be able to inspire others with your perseverance. Either way, it helps to know that you’re not alone.
Robert Red Act