Know that social predators exist! Until you’re struck by one personally, it’s hard to believe they even exist. William March, author of The Bad Seed, put it well:
“[G]ood people are rarely suspicious; they cannot imagine others doing the things they themselves are incapable of doing; usually they accept the undramatic solution as the correct one, and let matters rest there. Then too, the normal are inclined to visualize the [psychopath] as one who’s as monstrous in appearance as he is in mind, which is about as far from the truth as one could well get… These monsters of real life usually looked and behaved in a more normal manner than their actually normal brothers and sisters; they presented a more convincing picture of virtue than virtue presented of itself—just as the wax rosebud or the plastic peach seemed more perfect to the eye, more what the mind thought a rosebud or peach should be, than the imperfect original from which it had been modeled.”
But then, over a lifetime, we find that many people aren’t what they seem. Dean Koontz nailed the essence of social predators in one of his novels, Innocence, when the heroine said:
“In the end, for all of their kind, it’s about the same thing—power. Having power over others, to tell you what to do, to take what you have, to use you any way they wish, to demean you and break you and make you obey, and finally to rob you of your faith in truth, make you despair that there’s no hope and never was.”
So, here are a few to-do’s regarding predators:
Know the enemy. Convince yourself of the depravity of social predators before one of them does it for you. For an introduction to their mindset, I recommend Martha Stout’s The Sociopath Next Door. A trauma counselor and clinical instructor for the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School for many years, Ph.D. Stout presents harrowing insights.
Enter new relationships with caution; if a person seems too good to be true—they just may be.
Watch out for the pity-play and frequent lies, two gigantic indicators of a problem personality.
Know your own vulnerabilities and red flag anyone who zeroes in on them. The same goes for flattery; it’s a sign of manipulation.
If you’re already entangled with a predator, find somebody who understands your plight and sympathizes. I may repeat this theme in every post, but you must maintain a touchstone to sanity. Social predators will isolate you to make you more pliable and, in general, to increase your terror and suffering.
This one also fits in the ‘do not’ list, but it’s a biggie: the best protection is total avoidance; strive for zero contact or communication. I know it’s impossible in many cases, but do your best to minimize contact and communication whenever possible. Try to have other people present when interacting with problem family members or workplace predators.
Keep a written or digital record of what’s going on in your life. It will help you distinguish between the predator’s B.S. and the actual facts of the matter. Keep this record well hidden.
Carefully extract yourself, and flee (with the children if any are involved) when in physical danger. Get help from the police, a neighbor, a friend, or a relative—but in dire situations, you may have to cut your losses and get out, maybe permanently. See Amber Ault’s Five Step Exit on Amazon.
Work on yourself. I don’t mean you’re at fault, but I refer you to an excellent Buddhist saying: “You are perfect just the way you are, and yet, there is still room for improvement!” For a practical guide to improving your overall well-being, see the Out of the Fog website under “Work on Yourself.”
And here are a few things not to do:
Do not call your problem person a social predator, psychopath, sociopath, or any other pejorative, especially not to their face. Labels don’t help behind the scenes, either. Study up on problem personalities, for sure, but don’t try to put them in a box. It’s quite enough to understand that some people are dangerous and to stay as far away from them as possible. Avoid confrontation, as it invites attack.
Do not try to ‘fix’ the predator. They are not your fault and are likely to be unfixable anyway. That’s a horrible pronouncement, especially regarding a loved one, but it doesn’t help anyone in your life to go down in flames with them.
Do not blame yourself; be aware of who the victim is.
Do not be taken in by props. Look past the winning smile, fast talk, and flattery.
Do not be fooled by societal roles. Unfortunately, there are conscienceless people in all walks of life. Look past the clerical collar, the judge’s robe, or even the prestige of an accomplished MD.
And this is huge, but while watching over your shoulder for all the depraved, don’t lose faith in humankind! There’s terrible stuff happening all around the planet, and maybe even to you, but there are still many more people with conscience than without.
Please send me stories of predators being thwarted. If you’ve survived someone’s rotten intentions, pay it forward. Help others not to become prey. But whether you think your story will help others or not, don’t let anyone rob you of hope.
Until next week, watch out for anyone who ramps up your drug or alcohol use. Short-term relief through substance abuse creates a chemical debt in your body. Long-term relief becomes impossible as the chemical debt becomes too much to pay. And then, it won’t be your arms and legs that get broken by an enforcer. It will be your brain; by synaptic overload, adrenal fatigue, dopamine depletion, and sometimes even a bullet. Your other internal organs will follow. Have fun. I know I did. Until I didn’t.
And I’m still not; for example, my wife’s lungs and heart quit long ago. That’s part of a long story. For the fictionalized version, see my Memoir of a Repentant Psychopath on Amazon.
All that aside, I’m glad to be alive, and I hope you are too.
Robert Red Act