Dealing with a predatory life partner can be a life-stopper. The shock and denial accompanying your dawning realization are the stuff of nightmares—more genteelly known as ‘cognitive dissonance.’ In this post, we will explore the concept of cognitive dissonance and its role in abusive relationships. I describe the signs of cognitive dissonance and suggest strategies to overcome it.
Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
At its core, cognitive dissonance refers to simultaneously holding contradictory beliefs or ideas. In abusive relationships, cognitive dissonance arises when there is an irreconcilable contradiction between the harsh reality of the situation and the increasingly unlikely fantasy the abuser has created. Accepting this contradiction can be so painful that individuals cling to parts of the fantasy rather than confront the damning reality and move forward.
Leon Festinger, a renowned social psychologist, proposed that people often attempt to change their beliefs or actions to align them with one another when faced with cognitive dissonance. This process can lead individuals to blindly believe whatever helps to maintain the illusion. In the case of abusive relationships, this can result in victims rationalizing or excusing the abuser’s behavior, even when, deep down, they know it is wrong.
Signs of Cognitive Dissonance in Abusive Relationships
Recognizing the presence of cognitive dissonance is crucial in breaking free from the cycle of abuse. The manipulative tactics employed by the abuser gradually erode the victim’s self-awareness and self-trust, leaving them vulnerable to further manipulation. Here are some common signs of cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships:
- Doubting your memory and experiences: The abuser may gaslight the victim, causing them to question their recollection of events, conversations, and experiences.
- Second-guessing decisions: Victims may constantly question their choices, fearing that any decision will be met with criticism or retribution.
- Feeling like something is wrong with you: The abuser’s constant criticism and manipulation can create a sense of self-doubt, making victims believe they are the problem.
- Recognizing lies but defending the abuser: Victims may be aware of the abuser’s lies and manipulations yet still defend their actions, words, and behaviors.
Breaking Free from Cognitive Dissonance
Overcoming cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships is challenging but crucial for reclaiming one’s sense of self and well-being. Here are some strategies to help you clear your head of the social predator’s illusions and contradictions:
1. Recognize the Emotional Confusion
The first step towards overcoming cognitive dissonance is acknowledging the emotional and mental confusion that arises from the abusive relationship. Understand that abusers’ manipulative tactics are contradictory mental contraptions that would confuse anyone.
2. Seek Professional Support
Working with a therapist or counselor specializing in abusive relationships can provide a safe space for emotional healing and guidance. A professional can help individuals better understand their experiences, rebuild self-trust, and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
3. Develop Healthy Boundaries
Setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial in breaking free from cognitive dissonance. Establish clear boundaries with the abuser and state them assertively. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect and uphold these boundaries. If you fear harm for even trying to impose boundaries, think instead about total escape. I’ll list sources in the conclusion for safely leaving a relationship.
4. Practice Self-Care and Self-Love
Prioritize self-care and self-love as you embark on healing and recovery. Engage in activities that bring you joy and promote your overall well-being. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you deserve love, respect, and happiness.
5. Learn Mindfulness Techniques
Mindfulness can help individuals stay grounded and present in the moment, reducing the overwhelming effects of cognitive dissonance. Engage in mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or journaling to cultivate a sense of inner calm and clarity.
6. Share Your Story
Opening up to trusted individuals about your experiences can provide validation and support. Sharing your story with friends, family, or support groups can help you gain different perspectives, receive empathy, and realize that you are not alone in your journey. Two great support groups are BPDFamily.com and MentalHealthForum.net.
7. Record and Validate Your Feelings
Journaling can be a powerful tool in processing your emotions and experiences. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and memories as a way to validate your own experiences. A physical record, even if digital (and kept well hidden), reminds you that your reality is valid and deserves acknowledgment. It also helps guard your mind against a predator’s repetitious lies.
8. Trust Yourself and Your Experiences
Rebuilding self-trust is a crucial aspect of overcoming cognitive dissonance. Remind yourself that you are the expert of your own experiences and that your perceptions and feelings are valid. Trust your instincts and intuition, even if they may contradict the manipulative narrative created by the abuser.
9. Educate Yourself
Understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships and the tactics employed by manipulative individuals can provide clarity and empower you to break free. Educate yourself through books, articles, and resources that shed light on the subject. Knowledge is a powerful tool in dismantling the grip of cognitive dissonance.
10. Prioritize Your Safety
Above all, prioritize your safety and well-being. If you are not ready to leave the abusive relationship, take steps to ensure your physical and emotional safety (see ‘Conclusion’). Reach out to helplines, domestic violence shelters, or support organizations that can provide guidance and resources.
Conclusion
Please don’t think I’ve made these recommendations lightly or carefree. Conflicting thoughts and emotions shredded me for decades. You can read of my torture (fictionalized for legal purposes) in Memoir of a Repentant Psychopath on Amazon. Fiction aside, the story demonstrates that unimaginable obscenities of the mind and body can be reconciled and overcome. Individuals can reclaim their lives and move toward healing and recovery by recognizing the signs of cognitive dissonance, seeking professional support, developing healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and trusting themselves.
And remember, if you’re afraid to set boundaries or seek counseling because of potential retaliation, domesticshelters.org offers an effective Tool Kit for beginning a safe exit. At the very least, it’s a safe way to tell someone of your problems and see what help is available. The Tool Kit is not only for women but for anyone in an abusive relationship. It specifies:
“When you decide to flee domestic violence, it may feel impossible to know where to start. There are a variety of things to consider when you decide to leave an abuser. From safety planning to orders of protection to many things in between, the task can feel overwhelming. That’s why we created this toolkit: to make the process feel within reach, more manageable, and for added peace of mind and security. Inside you’ll find: § Helpful Articles § Recommended Books § Lists § Danger Assessments § In-Depth Videos § Survey Results § Support Communities § How to Find Help. Remember, trained domestic violence advocates are available to help you, many reachable 24/7.”
domestiviolence.org, introduction to the tool kit for leaving an abusive relationship
Stay safe, remember you are worth loving, and send me your story if you wish. I can be reached at RobertRedAct@protonmail.com.
Robert Red Act